Hello. My name is...

Hello. My name is Emily and I’m a fixer.

Anybody who knows me knows that I will bend over backwards to make sure other people don’t have to deal with things on their own. Oh, your stomach hurts? Let me offer you some possible remedies. You’re fighting with your parents? Maybe try approaching it this way. Your siblings are absolute morons? Try giving them some space and see what happens.

It’s my nature. It’s not something that I can let myself not do. If I see someone who is obviously struggling, the only thing I know is to offer 100% of myself to take off a little pressure, give them someone to talk to, and help them find a solution.

Although I’m surrounded by so many great friends and family members, it’s hard for me to let them do the same. The weight of the world keeps getting heavier and heavier and one day it’s going to completely consume me. But, if I can keep a little bit of extra weight off of everyone else, then it’s worth it, right?

I know this is completely moronic. I know that I can’t possibly help everyone and in the grand scheme of things my heartfelt “suggestions” are probably not always wanted or even actually helpful. So, why do I do it? Why do I continue to search and search for everyone else’s problems instead of dealing with my own?

Then there are days like today when no matter what I do or say, I’m not actually helping anyone. I may actually be making things worse. Despite any of my helpful suggestions, I may actually be pushing someone that much farther over the edge. So, why can’t I stop? Why can’t I just cut the cord and call it quits? Why do I not have the ability to give up on people? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like everyone. I mean, there are people I would throw in front of a bus if I had the chance. The funny thing is that it’s not just my friends and family that I go out of my way to “protect.” It’s the people that hurt me or left me or lied to me. These people that don’t deserve my sympathy, but they get it anyway.

Granted, I’m not always sugar coating any advice. Life is tough and I’m not going to tell you it’s not. My dad once told me that I could tell someone to go to Hell, but say it in such a way that they’d be excited for the trip. I suppose that may be true.

I’m not saying that I have a profound amount of wisdom. I’m not saying my life is so much worse than yours so I understand everything you’re going through. On the other hand, I don’t just say things to just say them. If I’m trying to help, it’s because in some fashion, I get it. You know, I’m not even 21 years old. (But, in exactly a month I will be, so you can go ahead and start shopping.) I have never been married. I don’t have any children. I haven’t done many, many things. But, I do watch. I do pay attention. I do see how people react and handle things and what works and what doesn’t. And, although I haven’t seen it all, I have gone through some pretty difficult things myself that I don't always share.

As I come to a close on my 20^th year, I think it may be time for a change. I think it’s time that I work on myself a little bit. I mean, it’d be nice to not have commitment issues or panic every time I get a phone call, expecting someone to be dead. It’d be nice to sit down at the end of the day and be at peace instead of constantly worrying about what everyone else is doing. And, although my friends are amazing and are always checking in, it’d be nice for other people to look at me and say “Em, I know your life isn’t perfect. I know you struggle with many personal things. Talk to me about them.”

Don’t take this as me saying that I’m signing off from listening to anyone ever again. If you need me, I’ll always be here no matter what. But, it is time for me to step back from always being the fixer.

Hi. My name is Emily and I need fixed.