So, I bought a dress. I got a new pair of flats too. Why would I wear something old or borrow from someone? I can’t wear something under par the last time we see each other. That’s just rude.
I bought some nail polish. Purple, since it’s your favorite color. It’s a really pretty sparkly purple. You know me and my sparkles. I can’t help it. Remember that time you let me borrow your nail polish freshman year and I dumped it down the front of my desk? Yeeeaaah, sorry about that. This purple nail polish, guess what the name is. It’s called “I miss you.” How appropriate.
I bought waterproof mascara. I’m really not sure why. I shouldn’t wear any at all. I keep thinking about the times I’d be waiting for you for lunch in the CC. I’d sit and look around, then Lauren would text me saying you were putting on makeup and you guys would be awhile. I figure if you went out of your way to put makeup on just to see me at lunch, I can manage to wear a little mascara.
I bought stuff to make puppy chow. You know how we eat when we’re emotional….or just all the time. I’m not really all that hungry, though. Remember the last conversation we had? We had our schedules all worked out so neither of us had to eat lunch by ourselves. Don’t worry, though. I’ll save you a seat.
I bought a couple boxes of Kleenex. I’ve basically washed all of my clothes with the tears I’ve shed the last few days. I actually just cried through a stress relieving facial mask. I look something like the Joker. It’s nothing short of terrifying. Terrifying. Like how terrified you are of zombies. Remember when we went to that haunted house with Lisa? As soon as they let us through the door, you grabbed my hand and sprinted through the whole thing. And then we reached the zombies. I still cannot believe how terrified of them you were that night. Poor thing. It left us with a funny story, though.
This isn’t my first funeral, you know. It’s not the first time I’ve lost someone I love so much. But, it is the first time I’ve been this confused. Last time I checked, we are still supposed to have our entire lives ahead of us. We are supposed to conquer this next semester with Sarah and Emily abroad and Lauren in Cincy. We are supposed to take Molecular Biology together, because it’s a class of eight and we’re going to need study buddies. We are supposed to graduate together. We are supposed to be in each other’s weddings and sob endlessly about how happy the other is. We are supposed to get together every summer to get away from the annoying husband and whiny kids. We are supposed to send our kids off to school and say things like, “well, kids, when I was in college…”
But, that’s all gone now. Instead of looking forward to the future, I just sit in silence and read news articles about you. I can’t sleep. I can’t think. I can’t speak. This is all so confusing. Jennifer. You? Of all the people in the world. You. I don’t know what to do. I feel empty. I’m so confused. I’m not even sure how to properly function. So, I just bought a dress.
