Hello. My name is Emily and I’m a fixer.
Anybody who knows me knows that I will bend over
backwards to make sure other people don’t have to deal with things on their
own. Oh, your stomach hurts? Let me offer you some possible remedies. You’re
fighting with your parents? Maybe try approaching it this way. Your siblings
are absolute morons? Try giving them some space and see what happens.
It’s my nature. It’s not something that I can let
myself not do. If I see someone who
is obviously struggling, the only thing I know is to offer 100% of myself to
take off a little pressure, give them someone to talk to, and help them find a
solution.
Although I’m surrounded by so many great friends and
family members, it’s hard for me to let them do the same. The weight of the
world keeps getting heavier and heavier and one day it’s going to completely
consume me. But, if I can keep a little bit of extra weight off of everyone
else, then it’s worth it, right?
I know this is completely moronic. I know that I can’t
possibly help everyone and in the grand scheme of things my heartfelt “suggestions”
are probably not always wanted or even actually helpful. So, why do I do it? Why
do I continue to search and search for everyone else’s problems instead of
dealing with my own?
Then there are days like today when no matter what I do
or say, I’m not actually helping anyone. I may actually be making things worse.
Despite any of my helpful suggestions,
I may actually be pushing someone that much farther over the edge. So, why can’t
I stop? Why can’t I just cut the cord and call it quits? Why do I not have the
ability to give up on people? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like everyone. I
mean, there are people I would throw in front of a bus if I had the chance. The
funny thing is that it’s not just my friends and family that I go out of my way
to “protect.” It’s the people that hurt me or left me or lied to me. These
people that don’t deserve my sympathy, but they get it anyway.
Granted, I’m not always sugar coating any advice. Life is
tough and I’m not going to tell you it’s not. My dad once told me that I could
tell someone to go to Hell, but say it in such a way that they’d be excited for
the trip. I suppose that may be true.
I’m not saying that I have a profound amount of wisdom. I’m
not saying my life is so much worse than yours so I understand everything you’re
going through. On the other hand, I don’t just say things to just say them. If
I’m trying to help, it’s because in some fashion, I get it. You know, I’m not
even 21 years old. (But, in exactly a month I will be, so you can go ahead and
start shopping.) I have never been married. I don’t have any children. I haven’t
done many, many things. But, I do watch. I do pay attention. I do see how
people react and handle things and what works and what doesn’t. And, although I
haven’t seen it all, I have gone through some pretty difficult things myself that I don't always share.
As I come to a close on my 20th year, I think
it may be time for a change. I think it’s time that I work on myself a little
bit. I mean, it’d be nice to not have commitment issues or panic every time I
get a phone call, expecting someone to be dead. It’d be nice to sit down at the
end of the day and be at peace instead of constantly worrying about what
everyone else is doing. And, although my friends are amazing and are always
checking in, it’d be nice for other people to look at me and say “Em, I know
your life isn’t perfect. I know you struggle with many personal things. Talk to
me about them.”
Don’t take this as me saying that I’m signing off from
listening to anyone ever again. If you need me, I’ll always be here no matter
what. But, it is time for me to step back from always being the fixer.
Hi. My name is Emily and I need fixed.
