Then Comes the Morning

The number one way to put myself in a bad mood is looking through old tweets. Going back and seeing how "happy" I was or how sucky things were 90% of the time, forces me to sit and try to find the good things of the time, such as any time I was with my best friends. But, the shadow of the memories follows me all the time.

So, as a scrolled back, I came across tweets such as "can't wait to hang out with you today" and "wishing I wasn't so alone." Pretty dramatic, right? Well, that's me, I suppose. But, a tweet came to my attention and it took me right back to a good time, an eye opening time. Easter of 2012, "that sermon was exactly what I needed. #thencomesthemorning."

"Then Comes the Morning." What does this mean? As I sit and think back about this sermon, I remember all I wanted to do was thank God for bringing it to my attention. At that time, that was exactly what I needed. And, apparently, God knows that I need it again.

Then Comes the Morning.

The pastor said this many times. Jesus was crucified on the cross for our sins, but then comes the morning. Then comes the morning where he rose again. That thought overwhelms me. Things may be rough. I may be at my absolute lowest at times, but then comes the morning. Every morning, a new day to do with whatever I please. A new day to be happy, to forget, to move forward and never look back. That's the trick to life, you know. Don't look back. Don't think about what went wrong or what could go wrong. I know, I know. "Emily, take your own advice." Whatever.

Then Comes the Morning.

This thought resonates in my mind. No matter how bad my days get or how long my nights seem, then comes the morning. Then comes a time for new thoughts, memories and happiness. Letting go of a person is difficult. Letting go of resentment is harder. Avoiding regret is nearly impossible. None of my problems will ever go away. They are part of me now. They have formed me into the person I am. That might be a bad thing, but that's me. I'll always remember, though, no matter how low I get, then comes the morning. I won't be here forever. Some days, I laugh at the child I once was, so naive and trusting. But, as I shake my head at myself, I look forward. Why? Because I'll never be there again. Because I have seen the morning light. I've seen the morning and it's so much better than those dark nights. True happiness is so close, I can taste it.

I said before I came to school this year that this would be the year. I had such a good feeling about it. Something big is supposed to happen to me. I'm not sure where that feeling has gone, but I'm not giving up on it. Something good is going to happen. And, until that happens, I'll keep my eyes focused on the morning; the positive, hopeful morning light.

Then Comes the Morning.


Smile always,
e.

Stress

What better place to write about stress than in a hospital waiting room?

It is insane the amount of things that can happen at one time.
First, life is great. Everything is perfect. Friends are awesome. Happiness is abundant. Stress is a foreign word.

Then, class work starts to fall behind. Grades start to get a little too low for comfort. Major declaration is a pain in the butt and I'm sitting in a hospital waiting room.

Stress is the only word that comes to mind.

I haven't slept more than three hours at a time in two weeks. Just when I think everything is clearing up and I can breathe, I end up sitting in a hospital waiting room.

Sitting and waiting. Waiting for someone to tell me that the only person who has been here for me my whole life has the chance of not being here much longer. It's not like this isn't a routine thing. It's not like people don't have this done all the time. But, I have to be the rock. The solid piece of ground for everyone. For her, my family, myself, everyone.

I feel so selfish for worrying about other things right now, such as the list of things I have to do in the next two days or the amount of people who need my help in completing other things.

Stress is the word that kills me.

Things will get done and things will be fine with everyone. Once everyone else is in recovery and things are complete, I'll have my time to calm. What's another two months of this?

I always thought things would be a lot easier if I had that person to lean on. Someone to tell me it'd all be okay. Someone to ask me how I'M doing. I know I'm selfish for saying such a thing. But, sometimes it would be nice not to be a rock.

But, I'm manage. I'm get through it just like I do everything else. Alone.

Stress. My life.

Smile always,

e.

High School Homies

After a five hour trip home (that should have taken three hours) I was more than happy to be reunited with my best friends. We’ll call them my “high school homies.”

High School Homies include: Fat Amy, Shenaynay, Bernadette, Gertrude, Betty and Candie (the mistress)

By their self-chosen names, it is obvious why we are all best friends.

Spending the evening with these girls reminded me of how much I need them in my lives. They brought me out of a rut that I have been in for a little while now. I never laugh as much as I do with them. We can do anything and still have a great time and I appreciate and love them so much for that.

Why do these people mean so much to me? Well, let’s go down the list.

Fat Amy, you taught me how to roller blade. Without you, I would have embarrassed myself in high school PE when they forced us to skate. ;) You also have taught me how to roll through life. Every time I fall down, you’re there to pull me back up and give me another push. Your faith and trust in God is such an inspiration. I would be so lost without you. You get two Emily hugs and a #friendsfolife.

Shenaynay, Shenaynay, Shenaynay. You understand me more than anyone. With a simple look, you automatically know the horrible thought that is going through my mind. Knowing I’m not the only one to think these things is enough to keep me sane.  You are such a strong, inspiring woman and you have always been there for me when I needed you. We work so well together and I miss being able to mix our genius brains and create magic. You get three Emily eyebrow raises and one “hey girl, hey.”

Bernadette, my sponge. I speak for everyone when I say that you are the greatest listener. You always put everyone else before yourself and that never goes unnoticed. Your laugh is incredibly contagious and I love your sarcasm. Thanks for everything you have done for me over the years. You’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know. You get two Emily hair flips and one thirty minute back rub.

Gertrude, my optimistic counterpart. You are always so hopeful and it’s so inspiring. Anytime I talk to you, I know that you will show me a way that I don’t see on my own. You see the best in people when I immediately see the worst. It is refreshing to know that there are still people who see the good in the world. Thanks for being such an inspiration. You get three Emily smiles and one snuggle.

Candie…the mistress. By your name choice, it is obvious that you have a great sense of humor. That coupled with your amazing artistic talents and natural beauty, you’ve got it going on. ;) Cand, you’ve always been there when I needed you. Once, I asked you for advice on something. I asked “have you ever just thought of or looked at one thing..over and over and every time, it takes your breath away?” Your response, “yes..steak.” (There’s that humor) E: “but have you ever felt like that..just swept away by one simple thing.” Candie: “yes..many times.” E: “What did you do about it?” Candie: “I loved every moment and never fought it.” This conversation happened in 2009. Fourteen years old and you were already giving life changing advice. Cand, these words have stuck with me since you said them. Thanks for always giving great advice. You’ll never understand how much you’ve impacted my life. You get two Emily hugs and a box of chocolates.

Betty. I sit and think about what to say and I go straight back to cheer camp. You know when I’m talking about. Bets, you’re still my hero. No matter what, you’ve always been so happy. I hardly ever see you without a smile on your face and it always puts a smile on mine. You’re such a talented musician and I love hearing your music. I’m SO glad we have had the chance to spend more time together. We share a lot of memories and I wouldn’t trade any of them for the world! You get two Emily hugs and a laughing session.

I love each and every one of you so much. These are just very, very short examples of how you all have changed my life. I wouldn’t be who I am without you and I never want to have to test that. I can’t wait to see you all again. <3

Smile always,

e.

*All nicknames were chosen by the homies themselves and not by me. I do not condone any harsh terms or politically incorrect names.*

Stay Tuned For Next Week’s Blog With A Shout Out To The College Comrades.

Sole Mates

Plato believed that everyone was born with two sets of arms, two sets of legs and two faces. This angered Zeus, feeling threatened by their power. This led Zeus to split the bodies in half and scatter them across the world, condemning us all to spend our lives trying to complete ourselves.

Some may find this romantic, while others are wondering where the heck this other person is. I’m not sure exactly what I believe. At one time, I was convinced that Plato knew what he was talking about. It was a nice feeling knowing that there was someone out there for me and an even better feeling thinking that I was on the right track with that person.

Times have changed and I have grown up. Three and a half years after thinking I had it all figured out, I realize I don’t. Sure, I think that there is one person I’m meant to be with. The question is, how do I know when I have found him? I have seen all the signs. I have felt all the feelings that seem to go along with being with that one person. I have fallen so hard in love that I didn’t know how to get up when I realized I was there alone.

Do these things have to happen?

I have had plenty, I mean, plenty of time to contemplate these questions. Sometimes everything has to fall completely to crap in order for all parties to appreciate things in the future. As for hurting, it’s a fact of life. We all hurt, just in different ways. We all have baggage, but someone will come along with a plane big enough to haul it all. (Something else. Men are idiots. It takes them a million times longer to figure out their lives than what it takes a woman.)

Finally, I have come to realize that I’ll know I have met that person when I know. I also know that that makes absolutely no sense. I have thought before that I knew. I was told that I knew. I thought I knew it all. Now, I realize I was just a child. I was so naïve about the way things would work. Maybe I thought I’d get my Cinderella story and live happily ever after. I do believe that will happen. I don’t know when. While he’s out searching the kingdom, I’ll sit here and push my life forward. I’ll be happy and travel and make a name for myself. It may be tomorrow or it may be when I get the heck out of Indiana, but he’ll find me. And, when the shoe fits, I’ll know I’ll have found my “sole” mate.

Smile always.

e. 

Tigers, Foxes and Gorillas, Oh My!

Musicians have literally thought of everything over the years. Between Vivaldi’s Gloria and Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball, we have heard a wide variety of tunes and lyrics.

But, I think we have officially thought of everything. There are so many musical compositions in the world that we have nothing else to sing about. Nothing. Nada. Zero. Nope.

Yet, songs keep coming out. What is the topic of all of these songs?

Animals.

I feel like we are creating a nice “Going to the Zoo” playlist.

Katy Perry’s new song Roar is actually super catchy and fun. I love the message behind the song. It’s all about strength and standing up for yourself. That is definitely a decent song that is fun and uplifting.

“I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire. Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar.”

Nice job, Katy. You’re song gets 3 Emily high fives and 2 hair flips.

Another animal song has BLOWN UP the last few weeks. Now, I just have one question to ask: What does the fox say?

The song, although absolutely insane, is so catchy! It’s definitely the fun beat and hilarious lyrics. But, Ylvis kind of has a good point. What DOES the fox say? Anyone? It’s a valid question. If you have yet to listen to this gem, the link is posted below. The video makes it that much better. But, the fact that people actually spent money on the creation of that concerns me.

“The secret of the fox, ancient mystery. Somewhere deep in the woods, I know you’re hiding. What is your sound? Will we ever know? Will always be a mystery? What do you say?”

Ylvis, nice try. Your song gets 4 questionable looks and 1 double take. Thanks for making me laugh, though.

Lastly, a song I was introduced to recently makes the list: Gorilla by Bruno Mars.

This song is extremely crude and inappropriate, but I’m not going to lie to you. I love it. Maybe it’s Bruno Mars, maybe it’s the premise of the song, maybe I haven’t heard any good music in a long time. But, I seriously like this song. This is one of those songs that little kids will know by heart, listen to ten years from now and wonder why the heck their parents let them listen to it. We all know that feeling.

“You’ll never be the same, baby, once I’m done with youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.” 

Sir Bruno Mars, your song gets 5 hair flips, my shirt and ANYTHING else you want from me.

So, I hope you thriving musicians out there have better ideas than questioning an animal noise or comparing sex to gorillas. Although catchy and amusing songs, they are not anywhere near considered classics of the day.

But, on those days you need to laugh, hear an uplifting message or channel your sexual frustrations, here are some songs to get you through.

Be happy, stay safe and smile always,

e.

Roar by: Katy Perry [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CevxZvSJLk8]

What Does the Fox Say? by: Ylvis [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jofNR_WkoCE]

Gorilla by: Bruno Mars [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxDDerf54GM]

Good Morning! Welcome to My Hate List.

 The older I get, the more people get on my nerves.    This could be a woman thing, or just a cynical person  thing, but the more people talk, the more annoyed I  get. Why, WHY, must people be so….irritating?

 I am the first person to say that I am no better than  anyone else. I understand that we all have hard times  and no one truly knows what someone else has been  through. But, when people throw around how great  their lives are, it makes me want to kick them. I’m  sorry that your inner thoughts are so sad that you feel  the need to throw around how much you love the  friends you paid for or how awesome you feel the  need to tell people you are. Must suck.

Maybe it says something about the way my life has gone the last year or so, but my hate list keeps growing. I like to think it is because I have learned to see past the giant masks people like to hide behind. It’s a skill.

So, are you on my hate list?

Let’s take a quiz!

Do you think your life is freaking awesome?

Is everyone your best friend?

Do you think you’re God’s gift to this world?

Do you have a lengthy hate list?

If you answered yes to these questions, then yes. You’re on my hate list.

And, if you’re thinking, “There is no way I’m on Emily’s hate list. I’m too fantastic.” Then, yes, you’re on the list too.

I make myself sound like I hate everyone and the world, and that is not the case. People do things that irritate me, and don’t make it on the list. I really only have six, or so, people on this hate list and only one that I would push in front of a bus, with my car, if I had the chance.

I don’t have a doubt in my mind that I have made it on many a hate list in my lifetime. So, here are some tips with learning to deal with being on someone’s hate list.

1. Stop being so easy to hate. You’re doing this to yourself.

2. Realize that you are not the center of the universe. If Aristotle couldn’t make it true, then neither can you.

3. You’re not hated by everyone, so there is no need to hate yourself. You are the only person you can trust in the world, so don't ruin that by hating yourself. (Although, the person we lie to the most is ourselves. But, that’s the topic for another blog...)

So, basically, the point of this is not to let everyone know the extent of my cynicism. It isn’t to make you question whether or not we’re friends. (If you have access to this blog, you’re not on the list. Promise J) The point is to say that people are freaking annoying. People will always do things that push us over the edge, but shutting them out of our lives will do nothing but give us no one to talk about.

Smile always,

e. 

focus, Focus, FOCUS

Sometimes all I want to do is focus. Focus on work, music, art, anything but what is really bothering me. Sometimes this is not always the best way to go. No matter how much I avoid an issue, it will never just go away. So, I sit here and focus. Actually, the better word would be “avoid.” Surely, if I don’t acknowledge the pain, then it isn’t there.

We are smart people. We know this is wrong. As a society, we are completely aware of all of the things that are of harm to us, but we do these things anyway. Why? Because by avoiding the problem, it doesn't exist.

So, tonight, I will go against the “norm.” I’m going to acknowledge my issues.

1) Everyone seems to be gearing up for formal recruitment again. I figured I would be done with all of this since I decided not to do it. Nope. It sucks to see everyone talking about it and getting all excited to find their new home. But, rather than be cynical, I will be happy and supportive as my friends find their new sisters and a place where they fit in the world. My misfortune should not stop me from being there for others. So, problem number one, resolved. 

2) All I wanted was a simple walk. Maybe there was more that I was hoping for, but I wouldn’t acknowledge that. No way. That’d be against my character. (hahaha, yeah, that’s crap.) Maybe I thought that a walk would have just give me the answers I wanted, but I guess I wasn’t expecting the answer I received. It wasn’t a bad time though. I know it’s wrong, but I’m hoping to take a walk again. J 

3) Let’s get to the main problem, the one that sparks all of these feelings about fitting in and being wanted. He came home. Just for a bit, but he is home. I didn’t want to know this. We haven’t been in the same state for nearly a year. I didn’t want to be so close, yet so, so far. The worst part? I’m not who he came home to. I’m over it, I swear. I just wish it wasn’t her. Anyone else. Anyone. So, I reach out for friends who love me and affection from other sources.

This is why I have such an issue acknowledging my problems. I know what the answers are. I know that everyone is sick of hearing them. But, avoiding them just makes them worse. Why do these bother me so much? Because they are connected. My problems all revolve around a specific point. The point that shouldn’t even be there. But, it is. It always will be.

So, what do I do?

Tonight, I will pray for God to relieve me of all of my pain so that I can make tomorrow a better day. I will pray for God to bless each and every one of my friends as they all have their own burdens that they are hauling. I pray that they know that I will always be here to share the load as they have done for me. Lastly, I thank the Lord for this day and for all of those to come. He has done more for me than what I could ever deserve.

Smile always.

e.