focus, Focus, FOCUS

Sometimes all I want to do is focus. Focus on work, music, art, anything but what is really bothering me. Sometimes this is not always the best way to go. No matter how much I avoid an issue, it will never just go away. So, I sit here and focus. Actually, the better word would be “avoid.” Surely, if I don’t acknowledge the pain, then it isn’t there.

We are smart people. We know this is wrong. As a society, we are completely aware of all of the things that are of harm to us, but we do these things anyway. Why? Because by avoiding the problem, it doesn't exist.

So, tonight, I will go against the “norm.” I’m going to acknowledge my issues.

1) Everyone seems to be gearing up for formal recruitment again. I figured I would be done with all of this since I decided not to do it. Nope. It sucks to see everyone talking about it and getting all excited to find their new home. But, rather than be cynical, I will be happy and supportive as my friends find their new sisters and a place where they fit in the world. My misfortune should not stop me from being there for others. So, problem number one, resolved. 

2) All I wanted was a simple walk. Maybe there was more that I was hoping for, but I wouldn’t acknowledge that. No way. That’d be against my character. (hahaha, yeah, that’s crap.) Maybe I thought that a walk would have just give me the answers I wanted, but I guess I wasn’t expecting the answer I received. It wasn’t a bad time though. I know it’s wrong, but I’m hoping to take a walk again. J 

3) Let’s get to the main problem, the one that sparks all of these feelings about fitting in and being wanted. He came home. Just for a bit, but he is home. I didn’t want to know this. We haven’t been in the same state for nearly a year. I didn’t want to be so close, yet so, so far. The worst part? I’m not who he came home to. I’m over it, I swear. I just wish it wasn’t her. Anyone else. Anyone. So, I reach out for friends who love me and affection from other sources.

This is why I have such an issue acknowledging my problems. I know what the answers are. I know that everyone is sick of hearing them. But, avoiding them just makes them worse. Why do these bother me so much? Because they are connected. My problems all revolve around a specific point. The point that shouldn’t even be there. But, it is. It always will be.

So, what do I do?

Tonight, I will pray for God to relieve me of all of my pain so that I can make tomorrow a better day. I will pray for God to bless each and every one of my friends as they all have their own burdens that they are hauling. I pray that they know that I will always be here to share the load as they have done for me. Lastly, I thank the Lord for this day and for all of those to come. He has done more for me than what I could ever deserve.

Smile always.

e.